Monday, Oct 9 - 09:32 PM
I am so grateful for my many blessings. The work this week has been tedious and difficult, but I have come to a place right here and now where I am free of its burden. I changed my focus, walked away from the hard work. I changed my perspective - went to a different activity and saw a whole new vision.
I am clearing out all the junk I have accumulated for over 14 years here and I am seeing new found space and energy. It is a great idea and very freeing. It is incredible how that works. I have known this truth for years, but never made myself clear the clutter until now. I think that is the key. I was pushing me to do it so it never got done. Now, I have a reason to do it so it is an easy decision and I “am” motivated to do it.
I guess when it is said,“For all things, there a season,” maybe that is part of that whole idea. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. When it becomes important enough to you, change will show itself and it will get done.
It feels really good to be getting these things done I have put off for years. Feels great!!
Tuesday, Oct 10 - 06:03 PM
As brilliant as I can be, I can mess things up as brilliantly too. I go to get the payroll ready for my accountant to do the reports and it took me forever because I didn’t make a point to write down what I did over the last three months in an organized fashion so there are no surprises here. It took forever to get the data ready because I had poor records and I had to go online and research it and on and on.
For whatever my reasons, I just don’t always make things easy for myself. It is almost like I won’t do the simplest things that would make my life easier. I know it true for some people, that if they don’t have some kind of crisis going on, they really don’t feel alive and accomplishing much of anything.
But if these people have some kind of obstacle to climb, then when they have climbed it, they feel like they have really accomplished something. I have done that throughout my life from time to time and I watched me do it again this week.
I have concluded that when I need approval from the outside of me to feel comfortable in going ahead with things, I have given my power away again and I make things more complicated for myself.
I know these kinds of behaviors are related to low self-esteem and when we’re in a mindset of low-self esteem, lot of things just won’t go our way until we learn that lesson of truth. The truth is I am worthy and I don’t have to create mountains to climb to prove it. I don’t need approval from the outside of me to venture ahead on things for me either.
All in all, sound self-esteem is subtle. You see yourself; you like yourself; you know yourself and you know you’re not perfect and that’s ok. Accepting imperfection in myself is sound self-esteem in action. And so it is.
Wednesday, Oct 11 - 07:54 PM
The intensity of the focus on what I am doing in my life right now is causing a lot of good positive results. I am totally convinced when I hold a strong vision instead of being indecisive, I have me on my team.
My high power is on my team too and other people show up out of nowhere to help on unexpected necessities. I am focused on my desired outcomes and staying out of my own way being totally grateful that so many good thinigs are happening. I constantly thank my higher power for the many blessings that continue to happen in my life. I know that is a critical point in the whole wonderful experience of life.
When I have no resistance to things, everything and more flows naturally and just happens. It is serendipity in action! I just keep thanking my higher power for my many blessings! :-)
Thursday, Oct 12 - 06:49 PM
I find that as I travel through my own journey of life that I am given ample opportuities to learn lessons of truth and sometimes I get them and sometimes I don't. I am seeing and understanding more and more that if I can just learn these lessons of truth on the first round of problems that I create for myself, then I don't have to wait for the next set of problems to get harder and the next set of problems to get even harder in order for me to learn that lesson.
If I had just learned the lesson in the first place, wouldn't that have been nice!?
I also realize that I can understand things at different levels and if I only understand something at the intellectual level, it just doesn't quite cut it. If I have not integrated the learning and understand it at the gut level, I am in for the fun of more challenges.
Sometimes I just shake my head at the level of resistance I have to learning things and I know at one level they are really important for me to get, but I still keep futzin' around not taking heed doing the "not smart things" again and so it goes. . . . . .
Right now, I would like to opt in to being smarter and doing things better with ease.
Friday, Oct 13 - 11:44 PM
It amazes me how some little thing, little comments, just one single perception in one's little life can have such an impact on one's adult life.
I remember when I was 10 years old my dad said I was the laziest kid in town. I certainly did not want that label over my head so I unloaded every big suitcase out of the car on the spot to prove him wrong.
That was when I was 10 and as I reflect on that external motivational moment I remember for most of my adult business career I have been continuing to prove to my dad that I'm not the laziest kid in town.
How that plays out is this: I work a lot. I feel more comfortable working than playing much of the time--that means working most of the time and not taking enough breaks. I saw myself working until the wee hours of the morning because I thought I loved what I was doing so much. Now, I'm not sure. That's up for debate.
I have a business advisor who has helped me see something I knew intellectually but not something I was successful at doing. That is that the Key to Life is Balance.
I have known that to be true for a long long time, but really just couldn't quite figure out how "I" could do that.
I feel like I have come a long way in this area of life, but I also feel I have a ways to go. I know I have made progress because I was watching Oprah today. In the middle of a corporate business day? What? Not working all day? Wonders never cease. . . . . .TV in the middle of the day. WOW! What a concept!
Oprah reminds me so much of authenticity at its best, something my business advisor has been helping me to understand. As I do find time to watch Oprah, I am becoming more committed all the time to be more authentic.
I keep asking myself why am I doing what I am doing. Is it coming from within me or am I trying to do something that someone outside of me thinks I should do? I pass and fail this test question off and on a lot. It seems to be an on-going thing with me.
Oprah said something about playing after every storm and even though it didn't mean the same thing, it reminded me of my dad and what he said about working.
The irony here is that my dad worked hard AND played a lot. He had more balance in his life than I have had in mine even though my perception was I have to work hard according to my dad's opinion.
That's the trouble with making a decision from other people's opinions - what they say and what you feel they meant can be two different things.
I find myself blaming my parents for things I do wrong in my life today because of what they taught me. What I have learned is some of it is true and some of it is not. The "not" part is my erroneous perception of what they meant and I made many different decisions about that.
That's the paradox of it all. Sometimes I was right and sometimes I was wrong. The reality is, I am not a kid anymore. I am an adult and I have a responsibility to myself to make decisions based on what I want in my life and it is up to me to make them excluding other people's opinions.
I am doing everything I can to make those decisions from within me now and I know that is a much better life's plan for me.
I am not too sure why it took me so long to get this, but I know I AM getting it now. Thank God or the Supreme Being, or my Higher Power for that one. It is about time that I got it! :-)
Saturday, Oct 14 - 03:41 PM
I am so sad because my good friend Dixie died this week and it still seems so unreal to me. I don't know all the reasons why but when someone tells me about a death of someone, the first thing I do is go numb. I don't cry. I don't express emotions. I just blank out like this isn't really happening. I guess it could be called "denial", even though I know the reality of it. I just don't cry.
My mind gets real busy on all the details - what happened, when was the last time I saw them, what I am happy about in our relationship, what I wish we had had more time for; I wonder how the experience was for them---hoping there was as little pain as possible.
So with all the busy-ness of my mind, I am sitting in a pile of confusion, sadness, wishing things were different, wishing it had never happened AND THEN 5 hours later, I finally begin to cry.
My mind keeps racing, my heart keeps thumping and my being remains sad. I know all things are in divine order. I know it was meant to be. I know all the spiritual reasoning that I can take into this, but I still remain sad.
Dixie, I wish you were here and not there. Your leaving makes me cry.
Return To Diary Menu
|
